by Rich Albright

Mistake: Ruminating About the Fight
The big mistake many couples make is trying to “just move on” from a fight (or a regrettable incident), instead of processing it.  Conflict is a normal, unavoidable, and often positive part of life and love but conflict can be messy and even traumatic.

Ineffective ways to process a fight:

• We apologize too quickly, before we really understand what we’re apologizing for.
• We try to sweep it under the rug when we’re still upset.  We end up keeping it to ourselves.
• We try to process the fight but fail and make it worse.

Results of ineffective efforts to process a fight:

• We create a wedge (The Chasm in the Room) between spouses.  This leads to more conflict or avoidance and decreased connection.
• Intimacy breaks down.
• Everyone erects protective walls.

There must be a better way, right?


Next week: Signs You Need to Address a Past Issue