by Rich Albright
What We Fight About
What is the number one thing that couples argue about? The simple answer is “anything” if the conditions are there. But, most frequently, arguments have to do with our values, our unrecognized needs, and hidden dreams. Fights can seem to flare up in seconds during the busyness of life, in moments we planned to be good moments, under pressure, and “out of nowhere.” The major reason? In clinical terms, failed bids for connection.
The definition of a bid for connection is: anything you say or do to try to get your spouse’s attention and connect with them. These aren’t “We have to talk!” types of summits. They are small, fleeting moments throughout the day. They are easy to miss, but THEY MATTER A LOT! It has been said that meeting bids for connection means more for a marriage than a two-week vacation in a warm, sunny place during a polar vortex in West Michigan.
For example, a bid for connection can take place in the grocery aisle at Meijer, when one spouse asks, “Do we need any butter?” Rather than just responding with a shrug of the shoulders, the other spouse can reply, “I don’t know. I’ll go get some.”
There are three different ways to respond to a bid for connection. We can turn toward our spouse by responding positively to the bid, as happened in the grocery aisle. We can turn away from our spouse by ignoring the bid, or we can turn against our spouse by responding harshly to the bid.
Looking for a way to make a major impact on your marriage? Turn toward your mate.
Next week: The Significance of Bids for Connection
The definition of a bid for connection is: anything you say or do to try to get your spouse’s attention and connect with them. These aren’t “We have to talk!” types of summits. They are small, fleeting moments throughout the day. They are easy to miss, but THEY MATTER A LOT! It has been said that meeting bids for connection means more for a marriage than a two-week vacation in a warm, sunny place during a polar vortex in West Michigan.
For example, a bid for connection can take place in the grocery aisle at Meijer, when one spouse asks, “Do we need any butter?” Rather than just responding with a shrug of the shoulders, the other spouse can reply, “I don’t know. I’ll go get some.”
There are three different ways to respond to a bid for connection. We can turn toward our spouse by responding positively to the bid, as happened in the grocery aisle. We can turn away from our spouse by ignoring the bid, or we can turn against our spouse by responding harshly to the bid.
Looking for a way to make a major impact on your marriage? Turn toward your mate.
Next week: The Significance of Bids for Connection